Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize