So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
