and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
