I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
