Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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