DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
