the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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