my phone needs a breathalizer
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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