you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
