Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
