I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
