Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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