Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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