Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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