I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
