Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
whose parrot is this?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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