so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
did you just send me my own nude
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
