He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
