Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
