well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
