I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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