I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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