i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
