i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
