i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
