I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
