i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
