if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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