Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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