I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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