i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
