it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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