When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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