Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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