some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize