I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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