I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She needs sedatives and a leash
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize