The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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