you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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