I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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