Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
