Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
