i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
