No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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