Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
