fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
