this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
