Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
