You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
