in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
