I have demons in me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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