wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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