Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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