I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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