dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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