I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
