Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
