six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
