I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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