I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We're too hungover to prance.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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