I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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