I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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