I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
