Cold hands, warm shart.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You left your phone here
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