had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
