Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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