Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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