I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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