having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
