If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
