1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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